This is a post that has been a little while in the making. It’s taken me a little bit of time to build up the courage to not only write it, but to actually hit that publish button. The last couple of months or so have been emotional in a variety of ways – filled with ups and downs and now I’m ready to share this with you. And as a heads up, this isn’t actually a post about my time in Morocco – I’ll be doing one of them later!
When I booked a trip to Morocco earlier this year with my boyfriend the last thing I thought would happen would be for me to write this post. Needless to say, he’s not my boyfriend anymore and with us both not wanting to lose money and both wanting to visit Morocco this post was born.
It started off as a joke amongst some of my friends (shout-out to you Sarah and Grace) to write about it. Having written a blog for the best part of 3 years they knew I loved to write, and well, what better way to document this unique experience eh?
Never before have I travelled with an ex, and I wouldn’t necessarily do it again: unless this post takes off and I need a second instalment eh.
To set the scene, I was in a relationship for over three years with the person I thought I was going to marry. I had it all planned; our dream house, our life together, even jokingly our children’s names (I’ll never forgive Kate Middleton for stealing both Charlotte and George, there’s no way I can name my children that now!). My relationship was everything to me. I felt on top of the world and ready to start the next chapter of our lives together.
I’d just graduated university and after nearly three years of painful long distance whilst I studied in Cardiff I was so happy to be able to be around my boyfriend. I’d started looking for jobs near his university and felt that in a year or so we’d be living together.
It was all falling into place for me.
But clearly I was on a different page to him.
After I returned from a trip to Kenya a month before my graduation we had the “we need to talk” moment. In my head I still thought things would be okay. Famous last words to my mum “Don’t worry it’s not relationship ending”…
He was in a different stage in his life, whereas I wanted to settle down. Things were changing for him and he felt a relationship wasn’t the right fit for him now. Which is okay I guess, it could have been worse…
I wish I could be angry about it, but most of the time I can’t be. He’s following his dreams and I can’t be that person that resents him or hates him for that. At the end of the day I have loved him for over three years so I know what those dreams mean to him; it’s just a right shame I’m not part of the plan.
But hey ho, it is what it is!
After the initial “Are you okay?” messages from friends and family I then started to get the “What are you going to do about Morocco?” questions. Deep down I didn’t know really. What was I going to do? Could I really spend a week with the person that has just broken my heart no more than a month later? I wasn’t so sure. But me being me, I wasn’t going to let my emotions stop me from seeing one of the places I’ve been dying to see. Plus I’d already paid for it all and I’m not about wasting money.
So off I went on a weeks holiday with my ex.
Yes, I’ve been in relationships before that have ended. But all of them were relationships that I always knew never would run the distance. This relationship was different. This was my “it”. Although, in the wise words of my mother: “He is your first love Liv, not your true love” and I think that’s kind of beautiful really. So thank you Mum!
I’d be lying if I said the trip was easy or that the seven days together flew by without a hitch. There were moments of tears on both sides, moments of anger, and annoyance. But if I’m honest there was a lot of friendship, a lot of laughs and a lot of respect for each other. Never before have I been in this situation and I have to say I think I handled it pretty damn well! I mean I certainly wouldn’t rush to do it again, but you know want I mean.
Going through this experience has, I think, helped my healing process. I got to say things I hadn’t before and got to ask some important questions. It let me seem him as a friend and person, rather than just the person that broke my heart. It also helped me realise I am strong as hell and credit where credits due I am so proud of myself for handling things with dignity and class. It also allowed me to realise just how important looking after yourself is emotionally as well as physically. I owe so much of how I have been mentally over the last few weeks to how well I educate and work on myself through reading and meditation. I’ve been able to relax and connect with myself again and have thoroughly been grateful for that.
Travelling with an ex isn’t the worst thing in the world, but it’s not the best. I learnt a lot about myself and about him too. I learnt about what I was emotionally capable of and how sometimes worst case scenarios don’t actually happen.
I learnt a lot about breaking up too. About how just it’s the end of your romantic relationship it doesn’t need to be the end of your friendship. (Although, if your ex was a complete and utter arsehole this probably isn’t advised).
It also made me realise that love is a funny thing. You could have the most incredible connection with someone have the most amazing time but that doesn’t mean you’re destined to be. I’m a big believer in fate and that the universe has a plan and I feel this trip has helped me to see that the path I thought I was on wasn’t the right one for me. I still love the relationship I had and I wouldn’t change any part of it – it’s made me the woman I am today. But I’m certainly glad to be given the opportunity to expand my horizons and opportunities to ones just focused on me, not my relationship.
So whether you’re reading this as someone who knows me, someone that doesn’t or someone that is going through a break up themselves I hope what you can take from it is that the Universe has a plan for us all and sometimes it takes something painful to veer you back onto the right path again. I’m not saying my relationship was steering me the wrong way by any means, but I certainly think coming away from it has helped me to see what else I have in store.
With everything in life you learn things. Even the bad things can bring good. Yes, it hurt like hell, but it won’t forever and to quote the great Kelly Clarkson “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”…